Angels of the Universe or What I'm thinking about before going back to College

Maybe it's wisest to say nothing at all...or maybe even wiser to say the most direct things you can muster all the time. I really don't know anymore, either way doesn't quite seem to work. Being a person that puts a great deal of faith in moderation/balance as the most efficient way of nature, both human and otherwise, to take it's course...I feel that I have turned my back to this ideology or, this is the scariest part to me, maybe I've come closer to it than ever.

Fear...if I had to sit here and look at the past three months as if it were a narrative of some foreign person and tell you what the theme of all this information and meaning was, it would have to be fear. I'm afraid of leaving my father here alone. I'm afraid I'm losing patience with him and am making myself less and less capable to give him the support he needs more and more of. The same could be said of my mother but, of course, to a whole other magnitude. Now that I think about it, this may be accurate or it maybe my constant battle with inferiority taking a whole new form, I've become less and less capable with just about everyone. I fear I can't be there for people like I should. I fear that I won't be able to befriend people as I have.

I can't take another prolonged period like this. This solitude has been unwavering. The walls and the rhetoric that it's better "to just go along with her" have stopped keeping me in and started keeping all the problems I left behind and all the adversity I have to look forward to out. I guess that's why part of me is afraid to begin with. What if I can't do it anymore? I loved pikeville because there was the first place I flourished. I grew. Now, in so many facets, I ask myself if the growth was substantial and permanent or fading and ephemeral. Am I going to be able to pull this off? Can the dream of "intellectual rockstardom" come true for me? The things that make me asks these doubtful questions have been so far away and yet so close. I've just now been able to live with them and now I'm being thrown right back in. I doubted myself because I could here, it was ok. Insecurity has a way of catching.

I guess this is the real trial. If I can do what I plan to, I truly am capable. Can I grin and bear it? Can I hold on tighter as they want me to let go more? Am I just a fool for thinking I have the answers?

I want to make something beautiful.