Madison, my cousin. I think she's one of the most beautiful things on earth.
Posted by Hello

So yeah...about this whole London thing.

You know what my one true goal is for visiting one of the most amazing cities in the world for 4 months is? My first night I want to sit quitely and drink tea in some deserted cafe. Thousands of miles from home, and all I want to do is be alone. Maybe I'm strange, I really can't tell anymore.
Life holds little adventure anymore. Even with what stands before me, I can't get my mind past the trivial logistical things of it. I can't dream about where my life will take me anymore. Right now I'm just hoping it will the least painful path I can manage.
I had a vision the other day. I saw my life in three acts. Birth until 12, when I got my first piece of designer clothing and had my first successful party. It chronicles my life of simply trying to survive; living in what seemed to me at the time a pretty uninviting world. Then from puberty until today, me beginning to win the battle and realizing there isn't much in winning at all. And now the third. With this time span, I imagine my life will end around 30. If you wanted my completely honest opinion, if I have loved and taught by that age...I'd be perfectly content to die. Nothing much seems to happen that's revolutionary after that anyhow. I think this London thing is a fitting way to commence the final movement of my life as I see it. I just hope it isn't as trivial as I expect it to be.
On a totally different note, another comment on my definition of what I want in a woman. I heard myself saying as I daydreamed the other day, "I just want you to hold me and tell me it's ok." I have no one to nuture me and not demand something from me I don't really want to give, ego stroking namely, but I guess I'm just being hypocritical. I want fulfillment. I want a wife. I want a person to come home to. People hear me say that and think it's really strange. Maybe she lays across the seas.

Here is a wicked good picture I took on accident.
Posted by Hello

Really need to look into this whole Taoism thing.

Had a moment where I was one with the universe this afternoon. Absolute bliss. To Beckie Blair I extend my most sincere graditude, that book did more for me than you even know.
My, my, my...how time flies and things change. I can faintly remember the paranoid broken man I was at the beginning of this semester. I can say I haven't become less disillusioned but rather more entertained by the comedy of it all. Letting go would have to be at the heart of this transformation, but in a strange bout of enatiodromia the reverse has happened as well.
As often occured this semester, I received an epiphany of sorts while lying in bed shortly after I awoke this morning. None of my previous pain and suffering would have ever happened (i.e. all of this stems from my realitization of the impermenance of things and of people - - - sort of a buddhistic moment of clarity if you will) if not for me giving two shits about the people I observed and having a vested personal interest in their general well-being. It's not that I've failed, it's that I've grown. I achieved a good bout of empathy with the people in my life and guess what? It really fucking hurt. I didn't go through a shitty semester, we all did. A lot of confusion on a inter and intrapersonal level was created and the subsequent and necessary soul searching left the lot of us basically saying, "To hell with it" and shrugging our proverbial shoulders. We'll all make it, you just have to accept the notion that it WILL, not MIGHT, turn out differently than you expected and that applies to the whole range of interpretation.
I'm leaving, and to be honest I'm not even terribly excited about it. I guess the overall bummer running through my mind right now is that I will go through all this hassle and expenses to only encounter more of the same. I really hope not. I hope I can just have ONE amazing experience over there. you know. Something that really just knocks my socks and leaves me waiting breathlessly for more. I want to make love over there. I know that's an odd goal, but it just feels important right now.
"You'll be clever, but alone." I could never have imagined how true those words would have turned out. It's pleasing though, I needed some intellectual ego stroking. Sure would like some company though, and not the half ass company provided by some. *cough Michelle Ballard cough*
I'll end this entry with my eternal commitment that I'll try to start writing more regularly now and to tell Christy Hopkins that she'll never stop taking my breath away and never stop making me feel like I'm 12 again. You really deserve to be treated well and loved. Your approval of my work means more than you know.